Part 10
I WISH I WAS A GIRL
In one of these dreams, you forgive me
-Adam Duritz-
Pulling up in front of my house, I can't help but wish I were eighteen again.
Man, I thought I had everything figured out back then. If only it had all worked
out as planned.
The house is completely dark, which is odd considering it's hardly even that
late. For a fleeting moment, I hope Scott has gone to bed and I can put this
conversation on hold until tomorrow but, on second thought, I need to tell Scott
tonight. I'm sure all of Roswell will know the truth by tomorrow. Scandal has a
tendency to spread like wildfire.
"You're home." I nearly have a heart attack when Scott suddenly speaks from the
dark living room. Scott is never one to brood in the dark. Uh-oh.
"Jesus, Scott. You scared me." I make my way over to the couch where I think
he's sitting. Carefully avoiding the coffee table and its sharp corners, I
switch on a lamp. Scott is sprawled on the couch, his face dark and depressed.
Does he know? Scott never looks dark and depressed.
"Sorry." He moves so I can sit next to him. Looking over at me, his eyes
suddenly turn even darker. "We need to talk."
Glancing around the rest of the shadowy house, I assume my mom and Jim have gone
to sleep. I have no idea how Scott's going to take my news and I'd rather not
wake them up to experience the drama. My mom would probably throw me out of the
house or something.
"Let's go sit outside. It's a beautiful night." Scott nods in agreement and
follows me out into the backyard. We sit on the porch swing Jim recently made in
silence for a few minutes, staring up at the stars. I love looking up at the
stars. They always remind me of Michael and how he chose me above all those
glittering diamonds in the sky. Why did I ever let Michael push me away all
those years ago?
"Do you ever wonder if there's life beyond Earth out there?" I snap my head at
Scott in shock. Is he serious? He doesn't meet my questioning eyes; instead he
stares in wonder at the vast sky. My heart goes a little soft; Scott has never
seemed interested in such frivolous matters as questioning the existence
extraterrestrials. If he only knew.
"It would be pretty ignorant of us to assume we're all alone in the universe." I
can't help but grin a little. It's amazing how often I forget the rest of the
world doesn't have the privilege of being acquainted with Czechs. It's a shame,
really.
"I guess it would." Scott is still in a daze, which worries me a little. But I
have to tell him; I can't put it off any longer.
"Scott, we need to talk."
"Right."
I take that as a sign to continue. "I have to tell you something…"
"No. Maria, you've been getting your say for months- now it's my turn." Scott
suddenly turns to face me, his eyes alive with a fire I've never seen before.
It's a little frightening, I must say.
He continues, "I don't know why you've been acting like you have been lately,
but it's really starting to piss me off. I had just written it off to hormones
or whatever, but after today I'm really not so sure. I've been thinking a lot
about this, Maria, and I've come to some realizations. Boston is what I've been
working for my whole career; it's what I've always wanted. I need to go."
After a moment of silence, I take it that he's going to allow me to speak.
Sighing, I hope he's having thoughts somewhat parallel to mine. "You should go
to Boston."
I catch a flash of hope dance across his eyes but it quickly fades when he
digests my words. "What are you saying, Maria?"
Studying his face carefully, I suddenly realize something. "Do you really love
me, Scott?"
"Of course!" He appears shocked that I even asked, but I have a point to make.
"No, I know you love me. But are you in love with me? Would you do anything for
me? Would you give up everything for me?" I watch his reaction carefully. Scott
is a great man- caring, thoughtful, and sweet. But I have to wonder about our
relationship. I know I love Scott, but not in the passionate, soul-consuming way
I love Michael. I can't imagine Scott feels that way for me.
"Maria? What's going on? You're my wife, I love you."
"Scott, I go away for days at a time. Did you ever once feel like you couldn't
breathe again until I was back, until you saw me again? Sure, you do all the
romantic things that husbands are supposed to do. But why? Because you want to
or because you should? We're both just pretending here, Scott." I stare up at
the sky again, hoping the stars will give me strength to go on. I should
probably be crying, but I have no tears left. I don't even have the passion to
cry over Scott.
"Are you saying you don't love me?" Scott looks so wounded and lost. Maybe I'm
completely off base here- assuming that just because I don't love Scott with all
my soul, he feels the same. Great, I've just made things a million times worse.
But I have to continue,
"I love you, Scott. You're a good man. But I'm not in love with you."
He lets out a sharp breath and rakes his hands through his hair. "And you want
me to go to Boston. Without you."
"You deserve the promotion, Scott. I just can't go with you."
"Shit, Maria. You're my wife. You're having my baby. How can I just leave you?"
I wince and Scott notices.
"What are you not telling me? Because with you Maria, I don't think I know
anything at all." His words are bitter and his eyes blazing with anger as he
glares at me in the moonlight. I suddenly feel like absolute garbage, like scum.
What have I been thinking hurting Scott like this? He's done nothing to deserve
this other than not being Michael. But the damage is done.
"There's someone else, Scott." I lean back in the swing and concentrate on my
hands, not wanting to see Scott's reaction. I can feel it though. He jumps up
from the swing and slams his fist against his palm.
"Damn it!" He begins to pace the patio with a fervor I've never seen. "I bet
this asshole truly loves you, right?" His words are sarcastic as he looks down
on me with utter disgust and hurt.
Sighing, I nod. "He does."
Scott begins to laugh and suddenly bends down in front of me. He has a maniacal
look on his face as he takes my hand. Then, slowly, as if speaking to a child,
he begins, "Maria. We are married. Does that not mean anything to you?"
I jerk my hand back. "Scott..."
"You're having my baby, Maria." His expression is pained now, as if he were
pleading with me to change how I feel. I wish it were that easy. Then, going off
of my panic-stricken face, he simply lets out a cutting laugh. "Right. Of
course. I must be the most gullible man ever."
Scott's back to pacing again, so I decide to attempt to offer an explanation.
"When I met you Scott, I was just getting over my break-up with Michael."
Before I can continue, he stops dead in his tracks and turns to me. "It's him
isn't it? The man who loves you more than I can- it's Michael."
"Yes."
"Shit. I really am blind. I mean, I've always seen the way he looks at you, but
I never would've thought that you…all those trips for the gallery." He shakes
his head.
"Scott, I never meant to hurt you. I should have never let it start up again,
but I couldn't help it. Michael and I…what we have is indescribable. I feel
alive when I'm with him." Unconsciously, I place my hand protectively over my
stomach and Scott stiffens. My head and heart swim with guilt and pain. "I'm so
sorry, Scott."
"I can't be here." He looks at me with contempt and stalks back into the house.
I hurry after him. He rushes to my old room, where we were supposed to sleep,
and begins tossing the few things he had unpacked back into his bag.
Sighing, I rub my lower back wearily. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know. A hotel or something. I just can't be near you right now."
Brushing past me without even looking at me, he continues to the door. "I'll
call you tomorrow. I need to think."
As soon as he leaves, I turn and bang my head a few times on the doorframe. That
went pretty well. Suddenly exhausted beyond words, I turn back towards my room.
It's amazing, really, how everything is exactly as I left it when I moved out at
nineteen like some sort of twisted time warp into the past. Collapsing onto my
bed, I stare out my window remembering that night so many years ago when Michael
first really opened up to me. It seems like an eternity ago. I wonder if even
back then I knew that I would never be able to shake Michael's alien kisses from
my brain. Yes, I think I did.
Without even thinking about it, I pick up the phone and dial Michael's number.
He answers after a record two rings.
"Yeah."
"How'd it go with Isabel?"
"I'm slowly gaining the hearing back in my right ear."
"That bad, huh?"
"She'll get over it. I think she was more pissed that she was out of the loop on
everything. Though she did threaten to, as she put it, render a certain part of
my anatomy defective if I ever do anything to further screw up your life."
"Lovely."
"How'd it go with Scott?"
I sigh. "In a way, not as bad as I thought. But it was still torture. I feel so
horrible."
"Where is he now?"
"He left. Said he was going to stay at a hotel and talk to me tomorrow."
"It'll be okay, Maria."
"I'm so tired, Michael." I lean deeper into my pillows, letting his even
breathing lull me close to sleep.
"Get some sleep, baby."
"I love you, Spaceboy."
"I love you, too."
Hanging up the phone, I fall into a restless sleep.