Part 3
DEEP WATER
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're drowning in deep water
-Jewel-
I can't do this. I can't.
What am I supposed to tell him? This can't be happening to me.
I stare down at my naked left hand and suddenly am overwhelmed with guilt.
What have I done to my marriage? My life?
I resist the urge to vomit all over the car. Taking a deep breath, I assure
myself its just nerves. Where's that damn cypress oil when you need it?
I can do this.
I slowly make my way to my hotel room, concentrating on the fact Michael is
waiting for me. Everything feels so much better when I'm in Michael's arms.
Unfortunately, he won't be able to make it all better today.
Nevertheless, when I open the door, I launch myself into his arms. It works
momentarily as he holds me close. His rich scent envelops me and I wish for all
the world I could just stay in his arms forever.
When I finally pull back, he examines my face. He knows something is up.
Wiping away the few tears I let escape, he asks, "What's wrong, Maria?"
I don't want to tell him. But I have to. "I'm pregnant."
If this weren't such a serious situation, his expression would be almost
comical. His eyes bulge out, eyebrows raised in shock. His mouth is frozen in a
tiny 'oh'.
"Oh." He finally squeezes it out. It sounds so sad and dejected. He quickly
drops his hands from my face. I feel the walls to our world come crashing down.
The game is over, done. And it's all my fault.
"I found out yesterday…I didn't…I'm sorry…" Stay strong, DeLuca! But it's no
use, a sob I've been holding in since the doctor confirmed my suspicions forces
itself out of my mouth. God, you'd never know I was a married woman from how I'm
reacting to my big news. It's not like I'm some knocked up teenager. I should be
happy.
Michael doesn't reach out to comfort me and that makes it so much worse.
Suddenly, it's as if the Grand Canyon dropped square between us. I wrap my arms
around myself to prevent from shaking. The world seems so cold now.
"No," Michael shakes his head. The stonewall I spent years knocking down has
rebuilt itself in a matter of seconds. "Don't be sorry. It's what I wanted for
you, remember? It's what you deserve."
"Yeah, I remember. And this is what I deserve. I've finally done it for myself.
Screwed up my marriage, screwed up whatever it is I have with you. This kid is
going to have a great life."
Michael doesn't like my answer. "You'll be a wonderful mother."
That only makes me shake harder, the sobs I'm trying to suppress manifesting by
making me quake like a leaf. I ache for Michael to touch me, show me some sign
it will be okay between us. Nothing.
"Michael…" My voice cracks and a fresh flood of tears coats my face.
"I'd better go. I'll see ya." He walks past me to the door without so much as
eye contact.
"Michael!" I call after him, but don't attempt to follow him. What can I say?
Don't leave me. Who cares I'm pregnant, we can still screw on the side! Right.
I collapse on the bed, letting myself weep. Staring at the ceiling through
watery eyes, I wonder what the hell I'm going to do now. I haven't been living
my life. No, I've been faking a marriage and creating a fantasy world in which I
bang my ex-boyfriend. I run a hand over my stomach. I have to wake up now, piece
together a life I can bring a child into. And as much as it hurts, a life that
may not include Michael.
I have a feeling this isn't going to be easy.