I stare down at the empty mug which, only a few hours ago, was filled with steaming hot chocolate. I watch out of the corner of my eye as you do the same.

A few more moments pass. Your eyes slowly trail over my body, and then you stand. I notice that you’re still wearing the santa suit. How is it that you look good even when you’re wearing a santa suit?

“I guess I should go.”

I look at you, wanting you to stay, wanting to spend all of Christmas Eve with you, every last moment, but instead I nod my head in agreement. I need to figure out what I want from life. Apart from you that is.

I stand, my heartbeat speeding up as you lean towards me. Your lips brush my cheek and I try not to feel disappointed. I shouldn’t be. After all, it was I who stopped you from kissing me earlier.

I was I who wanted us to break up. Although right now I have no idea why.

You walk down the steps, looking at me for a moment. “Good night. Merry Christmas.” You smirk, looking down at the santa suit. “Ho ho ho.”

You never used to joke. I changed that. But what you probably don’t realise is that you changed me too. And I need to figure out those changes. Figure out the real me.

“Good night Michael,” I reply softly. We share one last longing look before you turn to go.

Once you’ve disappeared from sight I sit down, your mug in my hands.

Why didn’t anyone tell me how hard this was?

I broke up with you to figure out what I want, what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t want to end up trapped in Roswell without any dreams.

But the only thing I’ve figured out is that all I want for Christmas is you.

I shut the front door behind me, leaning against it, our mugs still clasped in my hand. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath I enter the kitchen. Mum looks up from her cup of coffee as I place the mugs on the bench.

“How are you?” she asks.

“I’m fine.” I’m not really, I’m confused, but she can’t help me sort out my life if I can’t myself.

“I saw you out there with Michael. I didn’t want to disturb.” I hear the question behind the simple comment, but I can’t answer that for her now. How can I when I don’t even know?

“We were just having hot chocolate,” I reply. Although I know that both of us wanted more than that.

“For a few hours?” she presses.

I sigh. “Mum…”

“Sorry. It’s just-“

“I know,” I tell her. “But it’s confusing.”

“Maria-“ she begins.

“Not now please,” I beg her. I don’t think my heart can handle it.

“Sure sweetie.” She smiles at me.

“Look, I think I’ll just go to bed,” I tell her. This is hard. Too hard. I want to be with you right now.

“Sounds good. I think I will too,” she replies, but I’m barely listening.

She shuffles down the hallway and I hear her bedroom door shut behind her. I start to get ready for bed myself, but something stops me. I know I should go to bed, but I also desperately want to see you.

I know you just left, but I want to see you again so much.

I love you more than anything. I want to be with you more than anything. But I need to sort out my life too, don’t I?

But it’s Christmas Eve, can’t I just follow my heart?

Especially if all I want for Christmas is you.

The air is cool against my skin. Strange how I didn’t notice that earlier. I must have been too involved with watching and listening to you.

It’s just for tonight, I repeat to myself as I enter your apartment building. I know it’s not fair to either of us, but I can’t help it. It’s still Christmas Eve and the only person I want to spend it with is you.

You open the door wearing only pyjama pants and I stare at your bare chest. I miss it. Miss snuggling into it in bed, miss running my hands all over it as we make love.

“Maria.” Your voice is soft, surprised.

“I missed you.” I stare into your brown eyes, feeling like I could drown in them. “I’m sorry. But it’s Christmas Eve. I want to spend it with you.”

You nod your head, moving back to let me in. I know you’re feeling the same way. Taking in the empty couch I assume that Max is still out with Liz.

We sit down together on the couch, so close, yet not close enough. I stare at you for a moment. You stayed for me, gave up your lifelong dream for me, and now I’m putting you for all this pain just because I’m trying to find the dreams that I lost. Dreams that didn’t seem so important after I found out about the aliens. After I met you.

“I still love you,” I tell you quietly.

“I know. But you don’t want to be with me right now. I get it Maria. It’s okay. Really.” I can hear the pain in your voice. My heart breaks when I realise I’m the one who put it there.

“I do,” I tell you softly. You look at me. “I do want to be with you,” I tell you. It’s the truth. I think I’ll always want to be with you. I don’t think I could ever stay away from you for long.

You look at me. I can see the hope in your eyes, hope that I’ll be with you again. It’s strange how you used to want to be a stone wall and always pushed me away, and now it’s completely the opposite. It’s me pushing you away. And now I see that it wasn’t out of lack of love, but that it’s just that when we’re around each other we can’t focus on anything else.

“I really want to be with you Michael. I love you so much. But I have to figure out my life too Michael, find my dreams. So can this be,” I lower my voice. “Just for tonight?”

“You know I don’t want it to be.” Your voice is soft. I feel like I’m breaking your heart all over again. I wonder if you realise that mine is breaking too.

I nod slowly. “I know. Look, I’m sorry,” I stand, moving towards the door. “It was stupid, I know. But you’re all I want.” My voice catches in my throat. You’re all I want for Christmas. Forever.

Your hands grab me around my waist, spinning me around into your arms. “One night’s okay with me.” You say softly and I smile slightly. “But you know I want more.”

I bite my lip. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so confused. All I know is that I want you. That I want to spend Christmas with you.”

Your hands pull me tight against you, I can feel your heart beating as my hand lays against your bare chest. “It’s okay.”

Our lips meet, the passion from earlier today in the elf house resurfacing and taking over. We collapse on the couch, lips devouring each others.

My hands trail across your bare chest as you try to figure out how exactly to rid me of the elf costume I’m still wearing.

Soon it’s off. And even as our hands roam each others bare bodies and our tongues duel with each others we still have the presence of mind to move into the bedroom in case Max suddenly arrives home.

“This isn’t just-“ I try to explain as you lower us onto the bed.

“I know,” you reply, cutting me off with a kiss, our lips melding together.

“I love you Michael,” I murmur as we pull apart for air.

“I love you too Maria.”

We make love without any regrets. We both know it’s not just about the sex, it’s more than that. Just because we’re technically broken up we know that we never really are deep down in our hearts.

And we both know, despite my confusion, that all I really want for Christmas is you.

I wake up entangled in your arms. I smile, knowing that this is where I want to be. Right now I wouldn’t change it for anything.

“Maria?” Your voice is soft, you must have felt me stir.

I turn in your arms to face you. “Morning spaceboy,” I tell you, kissing you passionately on the lips.

You smile at me for a moment when we pull apart, but reality soon settles in.

“You can go now, if you want,” you tell me. “You know, one night and all.” I can see the pain in your eyes, pain that wasn’t there last night. It’s as if we treated last night as a perfect dream and now we have to wake up and face reality.

I shake my head. “I figured it out,” I tell you.

You look at me confused, but obviously relieved that I’m not leaving quite yet. “Figured what out?”

“What I want.” I pause for a moment. “I want you Michael. I always have and probably always will. But I also want my dreams. But I realised now that I can have both. I can be caught up in you and everything alien and have my dreams too. I don’t need to choose one or the other. As long as you let me follow my dreams as well as being with you I’ll be fine.”

You smile at me, a huge genuine smile crossing your face. “So does this mean-“

“We’re back together.” I nod. “Look, I’m sorry about the past few days, I was just confused. I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“I know that feeling,” you tell me softly. “I had to choose too.”

I smile, snuggling into your chest. I love you so much, I don’t think I could survive without you.

“So I’m stuck with you again?” you ask, a smirk on your face.

“Stuck?” I ask, hitting you lightly. “Always.”

We grin at each other for a moment before we start to move closer. Suddenly we’re entangled in each other, kissing, touching. The way we always are. The way we’ll always be.

We chose each other. It wasn’t fate or destiny that brought us together, and its not fate or destiny that keeps us together. We choose to be in each others lives. And deep down I know we’ll always choose to be together.

It’s Christmas morning, and I already know it’ll be the best Christmas ever – I got exactly what I wanted.

After all, all I wanted for Christmas was you.

The End