“…well, I just wanted to make
sure,” Tess’s voice crackled over the line.
“You made sure last
night. I repeat – I.Did.Not.Forget.”
“Ok, ok. So you’ll be on your
best behavior?”
“ Yes…you know this is getting
insulting.”
“Michael, I just want them to like you.”
“What’s
that? You’re breaking up…you need to get a new cell phone…” he blew into
the receiver for effect.
“I know what you’re doing! You better be
good-.”
“Sorry, Tess, can’t hear a word, I’m hanging up
now.”
He smiled and clicked off the phone. It rang again two
seconds later.
“Yes?”
“You will be there,
right?”
“ Yes.”
“Ok…and, you’ll at least make an
effort…”
“Yes, Tess. I won’t do anything to embarrass
you.”
“That’s not what I meant-.”
“Won’t do anything to
embarrass myself either.”
“All right…you know I love ya’,
Michael.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“Ok, I’ll see you
tonight.”
“Later,” he said as he clicked off the phone
again.
Turning back to the canvas he’d been working on, he flexed
his fingers and took a deep breath. Just as he was lifting his brush there
was a knock at the door.
“ F*ck, what now?” he muttered as
he threw down the brush and started walking toward the door.
He
pulled it open and was greeted by…Liz?
“Liz?”
“Hi, Michael,”
she raised her hand slightly in a wave and tucked a strand of hair behind
her ear.
“Hello.”
He was baffled, she wasn’t even in her
work uniform, what did she want?
“Um, I was wondering if I could
talk to you for a minute?” she asked, smiling at him
hesitantly.
“Ooookay…” he stepped aside so that she could walk in
the door, wiping the paint on his hands onto his t-shirt.
She
walked into the main room and sat in the middle of the sofa, clasping her
hands in her lap and smiling.
“So…what do you want?” he asked
sitting down in his arm chair.
“Well,” her smile got bigger, “I
want to throw a surprise party for Max-.”
“For what?”
“For
his birthday.”
“His birthday’s years away.”
“It’s only a
month,” she giggled.
“Right, years.”
“Ok, just trust me
that’s not very far away, Michael. Anyway, I’ve already talked to his mom
and his sister, and they gave me a guest list, but…” she paused and took a
deep breath, “well, I know he’s still friends with…Tess…and I feel like I
should invite her. I was a little nervous about asking Diane or Isabel –
and they didn’t put her on the list, so I thought I’d ask
you.”
“Ask me what?”
“If I should invite
her.”
“Tess?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if you want to invite
her, invite her. What do I know about it?”
“You know them both,”
she insisted. “I don’t want her to feel left out, but on the other hand if
she’ll be hostile-.”
“Oh, this is stupid. Just invite her, she’s an
adult, it’s not like she’s going to dump the punch bowl on your head. If
she doesn’t want to come, she won’t.”
Liz laughed nervously,
“Yeah…ok.”
“Ok,” he stood quickly, ready to see her out the
door.
She smiled slightly and stood, then pulled a small white
envelope out of her purse and held it out to him. He took it from her, and
looked it over.
“It’s the invitation,” she said.
“Oh, right.
Uh, so when is the party?”
“March 2nd, his birthday,” she
giggled.
“Right…” he scratched his head.
“Um, I’m going to
take off then,” Liz started to walk toward the door. “See you later,
Michael.”
“Yeah,” he said, standing by the door as she walked out
of the building.
***
Maria gave him a once over as she
walked out of the diner. Slacks, khaki slacks. He even had on shiny black
leather boot-type shoes. She could just see the collar of an army green
shirt peaking out of his jacket. What was he all dressed up for? Well, for
him it was dressed up. His hair was even neatly groomed.
At
the foot of the steps of her building she glanced at him and gave him the
usual ‘almost smile’ and he responded with an ‘almost nod’. Things between
them had consisted of nothing more than that for the entire month since
Christmas. For a while she’d thought maybe they’d start talking, but then
she’d completely ruined that by freaking him out with her blubber-fest.
Oh, well, it didn’t really matter – she had to go get ready.
“I’m
home,” she called as she walked in the door.
“Auntie Maria!” Abby
cried as she came running out of her room and into Maria’s
arms.
“Hey kiddo,” Maria gave her niece a smacking kiss on the
cheek and a big hug.
“Want to go play,” Abby said, squirming to be
let go.
“All right, off you go,” Maria smiled at her, “I’ve got to
get ready.”
Grinning, Maria watched Abby skip back down the hall
toward her bedroom, then walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of
juice.
“Hey,” Kyle said, looking up momentarily from the cake he
was frosting.
“Uh, hey,” she laughed slightly.
“All right,”
he smirked, “let me have it.”
“No, no. I mean you make cakes
everyday, nothing unusual to laugh at there,” she teased.
“Well, I
didn’t think she’d make herself a cake, so…” he shrugged, and then broke
into a dopey grin.
Maria grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and
punched him on the shoulder on her way to the refrigerator, “Well, next
time I need a cake I’ll know who to call. What’s your name again? Martha
Stewart?”
They laughed as he finished up with the cake and she
drank her juice. When they’d both stopped he glanced over at her warily,
“It’s good to hear you laugh, kid.”
She swallowed hard and then put
a smile on her face as she took her last gulp of juice, “I could say the
same about you.”
He nodded, but still watched her out of the corner
of his eye. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the concern, she did, but
it was totally unnecessary – she wasn’t the one with real
problems.
“I’m gonna’ go take a quick shower and get dressed,” she
said, placing her glass in the sink on her way out of the
room.
“Ok,” he called after her, “we need to leave in about
forty-five minutes.”
“All right,” she called back.
The
shower was just the refresher she needed, and as she dried off afterwards
she took a long hard look at herself in the mirror. She knew Tess was
inviting other friends, and she wondered what they’d think of her. They
probably wouldn’t think anything. Hopefully she’d just fade into the
background. If Kyle hadn’t made it clear that Tess really wanted her
there, she would never have agreed. But if it made Kyle and Tess happy she
could do it. Of course she had a feeling that her brother was only so
insistent because he thought she didn’t have a social life. It had been a
major topic of conversation over the past few weeks.
Dressing
quickly, and throwing on her makeup basics, she played with her hair
debating how to wear it. She could put it up, but then she’d be worried
about checking on it all night. Or she could wear it down, but she didn’t
have time to curl is nicely. An idea occurred, and she quickly pulled it
into two braids that she left dangling over her shoulders. There, if she
looked young enough they wouldn’t bother her with questions about her life
plans…she’d just pass as a student, because in less than two months she
would be one again.
There was a brisk knock on the bathroom door,
and Kyle’s voice sounded concerned, “Uh, Maria, I’m gonna’ run Abby over
to Serena’s. Now, you do know we need to leave in a few minutes,
right?”
“Yes, Kyle, I know.”
She quickly pulled on her black
opaque tights and took one last glance in the mirror. Gray sweater over
white blouse, black wool skirt, black tights…well, it wasn’t the way she
used to dress, but at least this was basic enough to be in fashion.
Opening the door quickly, she breathed in the cooler air of the hallway
then walked to the front door.
***
“Hey.”
“Michael!”
Tess squealed as she threw her arms around his neck.
“Happy
Birthday,” he said as he pulled quickly out of the hug and slipped past
her through the door.
“Thanks,” she said, as she walked down the
hall toward her bedroom.
“So, do you want your present?” he asked
as he took off his jacket and sat on the sofa, looking down at the wrapped
package in his hands.
“Yeah,” she called out to him, “be out in a
minute.”
Tess walked out a few seconds later still attaching one of
her earrings.
“Here,” he said holding it up to her as she went
by.
“Thank you,” she sing-songed as she took it from him, then went
into the kitchen. “Do you want anything to drink?”
“No thanks,” he
called.
He heard the paper tearing, then a gasp, then another gasp,
then the sound of Tess running back out to the living
room.
“M-Michael…do you know what this is?” she held the book up
for him to see.
“Yeah. It’s a first edition of-.”
“I know
what it is. You know what it is?” her eyes widened in
amazement.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you – I mean, of
course I know what it is, I bought it.”
Suddenly, she
launched herself at him, giving him a smacking kiss on the cheek, “
Thank you!”
“Yeah, okay,” he said, patting her back
awkwardly.
She pulled back and pinched his cheek, then suddenly put
her hand up to her hair, “Is my hair messed up?”
“I don’t know,
what did it look like before?”
Grinning while she rolled her eyes
she started to walk toward the bedroom again when the doorbell sounded,
“Oh, no, Michael – that’s them can you get it while I check my
hair?”
“Yeah,” he said getting up and walking to the
door.
Flipping the deadbolt, he pulled the door
open.
What on earth was she doing there?
“Uh, hi, I’m
Kyle.”
Michael barely caught sight of the guy on crutches extending
his hand. Prying his eyes away from Maria’s face for a moment he managed
to shake hands, absently saying, “Guerin.”
“Oh, ok,” Kyle’s tone
was skeptical as he looked back and forth between Michael and his sister.
“Uh, this is my sister, Maria…”
“Yeah,” Michael whispered, still
staring at Maria. Her hair was in braids and she was wearing a skirt, with
those pouty red lips parted in an ‘o’ of surprise. He felt his blood rush
and tried not to salivate, she looked-.
“ Michael!” Tess
sounded out of breath as she came to the door. “You’re supposed to invite
them in!”
Smiling at the pair in the hallway Tess made a beckoning
motion.
“So, Happy Birthday,” Kyle said to Tess as he moved into
the room. Gesturing at the box in his sister’s hands, he smiled, “I, uh,
made you something.”
“Oh, it smells good,” Tess laughed as she
reached out and took it from Maria, then walked into the
kitchen.
Michael was watching Maria’s face as she tried to keep her
eyes on the far wall, then suddenly she shook her head as if coming to her
senses and called out, “Sorry, Tess…um, Happy Birthday.”
“Thank
you, Maria,” Tess walked back into the room and gave Kyle another big grin
clapping her hands and looking almost teary eyed. “Kyle, I don’t think
anyone has ever baked me a birthday cake before, thank you so
much.”
“Sure,” Kyle smiled back at her.
Michael tried to
swallow.
Tess put a hand to her forehead, “Oh, where are my
manners, did Michael introduce himself?”
“Yeah…” Kyle furrowed his
brow and glanced over at Michael.
Michael tried to smile, but knew
it came out as a grimace from Tess’s cringe.
“Well,” Tess put on
her biggest smile to try to cover up for him, “my friend Rachel couldn’t
make it, which means we’re all here…so I suppose we could be on our
way?”
Michael nodded, and watched as Maria took a deep breath and
tried to smile.
Tess pinched him hard on the arm as she walked
toward the door with her smile firmly on her face.
***
Oh,
it would figure they’d take his car. She should have known something like
this would happen, it was as if fate was conspiring
against-.
“Maria, why don’t you ride in the front, and I’ll ride in
the back with Kyle?” Tess’s voice was cheery.
“Sure,” Maria managed
a smile, not wanting to be a downer on Tess’s birthday.
When they
were all in the car and on their way the small talk began. Maria tried to
concentrate on looking straight ahead and not at Michael. She knew Kyle
was wondering what was going on, but she really didn’t want to have to
answer any questions.
“I’m so glad we’re just a group of four,
makes it so much easier for conversation,” Tess said, sounding like a
cruise director.
“Well, with my sister in the group conversation is
never a problem,” Kyle said in a joking tone.
Tess and Kyle both
laughed lightly, then the awkward silence descended again.
“So
Maria, you’re starting school again soon?” Tess asked.
The car
jerked as Michael ran over a curb while making a right turn. Maria saw him
glance in her direction.
“Sorry,” he muttered under his
breath.
Tess laughed nervously.
“Yes, Tess, I’m starting at
the end of March,” she said trying to keep her tone light.
“Kyle
says you’re going to quit your job?” Tess continued the
conversation.
Suddenly they were coming to a screeching halt. Maria
had to put her hands out to brace herself as she watched the light turn
red. They could have made it through, he hadn’t needed to stop. He was
glaring at her.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” she breathed
sarcastically as she took her bracing hand off the dash and sat back in
her seat.
“Do you?” he spat back.
“
Maria.”
“ Michael.”
Kyle and Tess both chided
softly at once.
They rode the rest of the way to the restaurant in
absolute silence.
***
Michael was trying to stay upbeat for
Tess, but it was getting difficult. Well, he hadn’t actually spoken since
the car, but still…
They were seated at a booth, and naturally Tess
and Kyle slid into the booth first – facing each other.
He slid in
next to Tess as Maria sat next to Kyle.
Quitting her
job?
Tess took a deep breath after the waiter had taken their
orders. Oh great, more ‘conversation’.
“Did you know that you three
are practically neighbors?” she laughed.
“Really?” Kyle gave him a
polite smile.
Michael looked at Maria and caught her staring at
him. This was ridiculous, they were bound to find out, they’d just look
stupider if they didn’t say anything.
“Actually, I knew that,” he
said.
“Oh?” Tess looked over at him curiously.
Maria licked
her lips, “I work in the diner across the street from his
place.”
“So, you two know each other…?” Kyle glanced back and forth
between them narrowing his eyes.
They both nodded.
“
That diner?” Tess asked softly.
Oh sh*t.
Michael
looked over at his friend. She was still wearing her polite smile. He knew
that she wasn’t good with names - she thought Maria was Liz.
“Are
you seeing anyone Maria?” Tess asked a little too happily.
Maria
sucked in a deep breath and looked away, “No…”
“W-,” Michael
started to speak, he had to clear up Tess’s confusion.
“Wait,” Kyle
broke in, he’d never stopped studying them, “If you knew each other, why
didn’t you- oof!”
Michael just caught Maria’s elbow making
contact with her brother’s ribs.
“You two know each other…” Tess
let out another fake laugh. “Have you met any of Michael’s friends,
Maria?”
“Just his friend Max and, well, Max’s family,” Maria said
softly.
Kyle glared at Michael suspiciously.
Tess choked on
her cola.
Michael turned to her, “Are you all
right?”
Nodding quickly, Tess took another drink.
“Sure
you’re ok?” Kyle asked.
She continued nodding while
drinking.
“You’ve met his friends?” Kyle looked back from
Tess to Maria.
“Maria’s friend ‘ Liz’ is dating Max,”
Michael stated quickly.
Tess let out a sigh.
Kyle looked up
with relief.
“Oh, so that’s how you know one another,” Kyle
laughed slightly, “I thought you were dating or something.”
Tess
joined Kyle in the relieved laughter. Maria tried to laugh as well, but
sounded like she was having trouble breathing.
Their food came, and
Michael and Maria somehow managed to avoid speaking. Michael had a feeling
that Kyle and Tess had decided to have a good time no matter what, they
were currently engrossed in a conversation about their
families.
“…and, you know they just had their fourth. Four.
Four kids in five years. Can you imagine? His wife is my age for crying
out loud! Really, I hardly recognize the man as my father anymore. He’s
this completely different person,” Tess giggled, “who obviously
doesn’t believe in birth control.”
For some reason he
noticed Maria sit up a little straighter and he glanced over at her. Her
eyes were narrowed, and she appeared to be staring at the salt shaker. She
looked like she was in pain.
Kyle laughed, “Well, I suppose when
you’re in love…”
“I suppose,” Tess smiled. “Really, though,
spending Christmas with them was so difficult. They’re nice to me, but I
feel like I’m intruding.”
Michael watched as Maria looked down at
her hands in her lap. Leaning forward slightly, he could see that she was
counting on her fingers.
“Tell me about it. I had to spend
Christmas with my ex in-laws,” Kyle shook his head
slightly.
He caught Maria stealing furtive glances at him. She
hadn’t eaten a bite since she got the ‘painful’ look. Finally, he caught
her eyes, and she did a good ‘deer in the headlights’ imitation. What had
her so freaked out?
“Oh, Kyle you’re a saint,” Tess laughed.
“Sorry, I really shouldn’t complain. After all, I only spent Christmas
with them to avoid a social event.”
Michael caught Maria’s eyes
again and he knew. Christmas. Was this the first time it had even
occurred to her? He’d just assumed she was on something, because she
hadn’t stopped him…
For the millionth time since he’d met her, he
wished he had a clue what was going on inside her head. At the moment, she
only looked frightened, not angry. Frightened not angry.
“What
social event?” Kyle asked Tess with a laugh. “You never mentioned you went
to avoid a social event.
She was staring down at her plate, she
wouldn’t risk meeting his eyes. So, she didn’t want him to know. But she
didn’t know that he already knew. A knot was starting to form in the pit
of his stomach. He didn’t know what it was, but for some reason it was
making him want to feel her skin under his fingers.
“It’s silly
really, just an event where I might have run into my ex and his family,”
Tess cleared her throat and then glanced at Michael and
Maria.
Michael watched as Kyle touched Maria’s arm, “Are you
ok?”
“Oh, yeah,” her voice was shaky as she looked at her brother
with a small smile.
Tess nudged him, and Michael looked down at
her. The same question was written on her face. He tried to give her a
smile. It’s her birthday, don’t freak her out, act
normal…
***
Maria tried to keep herself together as they
rode back to Tess’s apartment.
It was probably a false alarm. A
week wasn’t that long, and she’d never been someone to set a clock by.
Bile rose in her throat. She tried not to look at Michael who was
constantly looking at her, tried not to think about it. The only thing she
knew was that to refuse to believe it would mean certain doom. Every time
in her life she’d refused to believe something it turned out to be true.
Her parent’s accident, Kyle’s…
They all trooped up to Tess’s
apartment, Kyle and Tess trying desperately to keep things light in spite
of the obvious friction between her and Michael. Maria felt badly, she
really did. This wasn’t how you behaved on someone else’s birthday. Even
if you just realized you might be-.
“Maria?” Kyle asked, looking at
her seriously. His eyes told that he knew something was up, “Do you think
you could cut the cake, I would, but…”
She watched him raise one of
his crutches. Of course, she should have offered to do it, he shouldn’t
have to ask her. Glancing over at Tess and Michael she saw them watching
her as well. Michael’s gaze was piercing, and she wondered what he was
thinking. Wondered what he would think if this wasn’t a false
alarm…
“Uh, of course,” she smiled, “I’ll get right to
it.”
“I’ll help you,” Michael piped up, and before she had a chance
to say anything he’d walked into the kitchen ahead of her.
Laughter
from the other room told that Tess and Kyle were still trying to enjoy
themselves as she looked around the kitchen wondering where she would find
the serving utensils.
“Do you know where everything is?” she asked
Michael as she removed the cake from the plastic container.
“No,”
he said as he leaned against the counter next to her, crossing his arms
and staring at her until she felt the blood rising to her
cheeks.
He knew something was wrong, she could tell. More than just
her usual discomfort around him, he knew there was something more. She
wondered how it was even possible.
“Michael…” she whispered as she
stared down at the cake. What was she doing? She couldn’t tell him. He’d
never understand, he’d probably laugh at her.
His breath caught,
and his voice was as low as hers, “Yeah?”
Her hands started to
shake and she removed them from the plastic container and pressed them
down flat on the countertop, to still them, “I-I think…I
think…”
Shut up, Maria. Shut up, shut up, shut
up.
“What?” his voice was barely a whisper as his eyes bored
into her.
She picked up the small box of candles Kyle had brought
and opened it pulling them out and placing them in the cake in a circle,
“Uh, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but…there might be a
chance that…well, I’m not trying to freak you out. Or, you know make you
feel obligated…” her voice trailed off as she tried to keep control of her
emotions.
“Yeah…?”
“I just realized that I’m
late.”
Suddenly Tess’s voice filled the kitchen, “Hey, guys, Kyle
said you might need matches, They’re in the cupboard to the right of the
sink.”
She smiled at them, then walked away.
Maria walked
quickly to the cupboard with the matches, wishing she’d never said
anything to him. Wishing he didn’t understand her. Wishing he
understood.
“Can you get away after you get home?” he asked softly
as she walked back to light the candles. His voice was smooth and low,
almost soothing.
Her hands started to shake again, “Yeah, I
guess…”
He took the matches from her gently and she ventured a
glance up at him. His look had softened slightly. Oh no, he was trying to
be nice. She didn’t know how to handle it. Stepping back slightly, she
watched him light all of the candles, then he lifted the cake and walked
out into the main room.
***
Michael watched her as she
pushed the cake around with her fork. She’d broken up her piece and
pretended to eat, but he knew she’d barely taken a bite. Tess and Kyle
were laughing about things that had happened while they were in school,
and since he’d been there at the same time they kept trying to pull him
into the conversation. He hadn’t known Tess until their last year, and he
was getting tired of their stupid anecdotes about things he didn’t know…Or
maybe he was just thinking about Maria.
“Well, I gotta’ run,” he
said, picking up his plate and walking it into the kitchen.
She’d
told him. At the restaurant he’d been afraid she wouldn’t, afraid she’d
hide it, but she’d told him. For some reason he’d wanted to kiss her until
she was breathless the moment the words came out of her
mouth.
“You’re leaving?” Tess asked as if she was disappointed, but
he knew she was relieved.
“Yeah,” he said with a slight eyebrow
raise as he walked back into the room.
Maria glanced up at him for
a moment with her ‘terrified, but hiding it’ expression, “Uh, I need to
see Liz tonight, could you drop me off at the diner?”
He
nodded.
“Wait, Maria,” Kyle spoke up looking at his sister with
concern. “I can call us a cab and drop you off at the diner.”
“No,
no,” she shook her head and tried to smile at her brother, “I know you’re
not ready to leave yet.”
Kyle was about to speak again when Michael
cut him off, “It’s no big deal, it’s just across the street from my
place.”
For a moment Kyle glared at him, then seemed to think
better of it and looked back at Maria. Her brother knew something was up,
but obviously didn’t know what or how to handle it…Michael figured the guy
had to be used to it, Maria was the most confusing person he’d ever
met.
They managed to leave with little fanfare, and as they walked
to his car he thought briefly of how sorry he was that they’d ruined
Tess’s evening.
She sat in the front passenger seat, huddled
against the door, with her cheek laid on the window. He glanced over at
her occasionally and thought she looked small…and alone…and scared. Of
course, she was upset…it really wasn’t fair for her…
“Uh, where do
you think we should go? Like a super market, or a drug store…?” he looked
in her direction as he asked and saw her close her eyes tightly.
“I
don’t really know,” her voice was soft. “Maybe a drug store would be
best.”
He nodded and tried to concentrate on driving, and not the
scared girl in the seat next to him, “Ok, a drug store.”
“Do you
just walk in and buy one?” she asked, as she slipped off her shoes and
brought her feet up onto the seat, hugging her knees. For some reason it
made him remember what it felt like to have her curled up against him as
she slept.
“I guess…” he didn’t know.
“Why aren’t you
freaking out?” her voice was muffled because her face was turned
completely away from him as she stared out the window.
“Why would I
freak out?”
He didn’t see her shrug, but he heard it, “Just thought
you would. Probably shouldn’t have told you. I can handle it on my
own.”
“No, you definitely should have told me,” he stated
firmly.
She glanced over at him, “I cannot figure you
out.”
“Ditto,” he whispered as he pulled into a parking space at
the drug store.
Hopping out of his side, he quickly walked around
to her door. She had just stepped onto the ground and looked up at him,
“What?”
He shrugged and she shook her head slightly, then they
walked into the store side by side. Immediately, Michael started to scan
the aisle signs.
“Um, maybe that one?” he pointed at an aisle with
a list that included ‘feminine products’.
Maria looked where he
pointed and started walking toward the aisle. He followed her.
The
selection was wide, and he had no idea where to begin.
She reached
out to take the box with the cheapest price listed below it.
“This
might not be the time to go cheap,” he said.
Taking her hand away,
she scrunched her face up slightly, and he could hear her muttering under
her breath, “ I can handle this, this is no big deal. No big deal. I
can handle this. I can handle anything…”
She was staring at all
of the boxes and he could see that she didn’t know what to do. Without
stopping to think about it, he reached out and started grabbing. When he
had eight in his hands he said, “Let’s go.”
Her eyes met his, she
was trying to be brave, and she told him what she’d been telling herself,
“I can handle anything.”
“Ok,” he said, looking down at her,
wondering if she was on the verge of a breakdown.
“I don’t need
you. I don’t need anybody. Whatever happens, I can handle it,” she said
almost angrily, clenching her little hands into fists at her
sides.
“Ok…” he grimaced and looked down at the boxes in his arms,
trying not to drop any, hoping she’d get the hint and start walking in the
direction of the cash registers. He knew she’d feel better once they knew
one way or the other.
“You know, I basically raised my niece for a
year. I could do it.”
She was starting to scare him, and he
swallowed hard, maybe she needed some hope that it might not be true,
“Look, there’s no reason to jump to concl-.”
“Don’t say that. In my
life it’s always the worst case scenario. Why fool myself? Of
course I’m single and pregnant at 22,” she let out a dry laugh. “It
makes perfect sense. At least this time my problem is my own fault. I can
handle it, I can deal.”
He stared at her not knowing what to say.
Her chin was quivering. This was a completely inappropriate time to want
to kiss her.
“Let’s go,” he said.
She took a deep breath,
blinked back the tears he saw ready spill and walked toward the front of
the store. He followed her.
Laying all of the tests down on the
counter, he glared at the clerk who had an amused look on his
face.
“Uh, is that everything?” the clerk asked.
“Yeah,” he
said angrily, handing the guy his credit card.
He turned to look at
her and caught her staring at him. She had picked up a magazine and was
reading it. How had she gone from ‘freaked out’ to reading a
magazine?
Under his gaze she closed the magazine and put it back on
the rack. He just happened to glance at it as her hands fell back to her
sides. A parenting magazine. With a picture of a man holding a baby on the
front, and a caption that read, ‘What type of Dad will your man
be?’
He had to roll his eyes. Naturally they’d walk into the aisle
where that was on display. As if she wasn’t freaked out
enough…
“Can I get your signature, please, Mr…uhh… Geerin?”
the clerk held a receipt and a pen out to him, as he examined the name on
the card closely.
Michael handed the signed receipt back to the
clerk.
“ Guerin,” Maria corrected the man quietly as took
the sack from his hands and started to turn away.
“Oh, sorry, Mrs.
Guerin,” the clerk smiled at her without missing a beat.
The man’s
words froze her, and her brow furrowed as if she had no comprehension of
what he’d said.
“Come on,” Michael said softly, putting his hand on
her back and guiding her in the direction of the doors.
She acted
as if being mistaken for his wife was the worst thing that had ever
happened to her.
***
Maria let him move her toward the car
in silence. What was he thinking? Why wasn’t he worried? No matter how
tough he was, even Michael had to be reacting to this.
She glanced
at him as he started the car. He turned to look at her, his face unlined,
his jaw not tense, only his eyes held intensity. Looking down at the bag
in her hands she realized it wouldn’t be much longer. The truth would
out.
It’s ok. It doesn’t mean the end of the world. Things could
be worse.
The butterflies in her stomach danced as though their
wings were made of lead. This was it. After everything, she herself would
finally be putting the nails in the coffin of her former dreams. She was
pregnant, no point in even hoping otherwise.
“I can handle this,”
she whispered to herself, “I’ve dealt with worse. Kids are cool. I like
kids.”
She knew he was watching her as closely as he possibly could
while still navigating the vehicle. Thoughts of her own father drifted
through her head. He was what a father should be. Strong, and happy, and
there. How could someone from such a wonderful family get it so
wrong? Well, she wasn’t the only one. She thought about Abby, and the fact
that Vickie hadn’t shown up to take her last weekend. So Kyle sucked at
picking mothers, and Maria sucked at picking fathers. But Abby was all
right, maybe things could be better, but she was all right.
“I
don’t need anybody,” she whispered, “I can do this on my own. It’ll be ok.
It won’t be perfect, but it’ll be ok.”
“You’re not.”
She
looked over at him. Not what?
He glanced at her, “You’re not on
your own. You weren’t on your own, and you’re not on your own.”
His
tone was irritated, condescending.
Maria took a deep breath, “I
don’t want anything from you.”
“You don’t know what you want,” he
muttered.
That was true. Well, it had been true. At the
moment she wanted her old worries back. She wanted to be free to worry
about what she was going to do with her life. Only now did she realize she
didn’t want the decisions to be made for her anymore.
Too late,
too late…
***
Michael knew she was breaking down. He
could feel it. And it scared him.
Talking didn’t help. He’d
tried.
What do you do when someone’s losing it?
Pulling to a
stop in front of his building he walked to her side of the car and opened
the door for her. She looked at him as if she wasn’t sure what she was
supposed to do. He leaned into the car and unbuckled her seatbelt, then
grabbed her upper arm and started to pull her out of the car. The
roughness of his touch seemed to jar her, and for a moment her eyes
flashed, she jerked her arm back before hopping out on her
own.
Lifting her head up she walked past him into the building and
stood next to the door, waiting for him to unlock it. Her eyes were wide,
her fists clenched. She was trying to convince herself she could handle
it. Whatever ‘it’ was. He’d heard her nonsensical babble, she was trying
to tell herself she could ‘do it on her own’. Somehow he had a feeling it
was more than just the possibility of motherhood, but he didn’t know
what.
Once they were inside, he looked down at her. He hadn’t
turned the lights on yet, and the tiny bit of moonlight made shadows on
her face.
“Do you want to go up…” he gestured toward the stairs.
Wondering if he could trust her to do it correctly. At least they had
back-ups…
Walking into the kitchen, he grabbed the small round
timer he knew they’d need. She was still standing where he’d left her. As
he walked toward her, she jumped as if she’d been startled and quickly
walked to the stairs. Taking them two at a time, she tripped near the
top.
Without thinking he ran up to her, kicking himself for not
turning the lights on.
She glared at him as he approached, picked
herself up from where she’d stumbled and walked up the last two stairs
quickly, then disappeared into the bathroom.
Moving more slowly, he
leaned against the wall outside of the bathroom. Looking down at the timer
in his hands, he let himself slide down the wall until he was sitting on
the floor. In the back of his mind he was vaguely aware that this was all
his fault, but the knowledge didn’t seem to affect him.
Silently,
he thought about her face throughout the evening. There was a distinct
possibility that she was pregnant with his child, but all he’d been able
to do was think about was pulling her into some darkened corner and
capturing her lips between his own. He knew that his reaction wasn’t quite
right, but he didn’t know what to do about it.
The door opened and
she stood above him, framed by the light behind her.
“Five
minutes,” she said.
“All right,” he whispered turned the dial on
the timer and stood up.
She was looking up at him, looking him in
the eyes. Her green eyes were large, and unsure, and her mouth was
slightly pouted. Swallowing hard, he stopped himself from reaching for
her. He really couldn’t kiss her, not here…and not now.
Stepping
past her, he sat down on the floor of the bathroom, leaning against the
cupboards under the sink. She sat down next to him. He could see she was
in control again.
“It’s not that I don’t want kids,” she said
softly.
He turned to look at her. Was she trying to explain
herself?
“I get it. It’s ok,” he replied, looking over at her,
startled to find her staring into his eyes.
“I just never imagined
it like this,” she looked away from his eyes and down at her
hands.
He had a feeling she needed to talk, so he made an attempt,
“How did you imagine it?”
Her head came up sharply at the question.
She hadn’t anticipated it.
Closing her eyes softly, she began to
move her lips, “Later. Maybe when I’m thirty. After I’ve worn the business
suits and seen the world…An old house,” her eyes were still closed, but
she moved her hands as if she could see it in front of her, he was
fascinated, “with large trees, and a front porch. A basketball hoop on the
garage in the back…”
Her voice was light and sweet, and her face
had softened. It was the way she looked when she’d watched Alex and Isabel
dance. He felt an aching pain in his chest.
“…maybe a dog. Three
kids, and a station wagon. Soccer balls in the yard. And someone. Someone
who-,” her eyes fluttered open, and she brought her hands to her face,
then scrunched her lids closed again.
Without thinking about it, he
reached out and grabbed her, pulling her into his lap. She was so tiny,
and she didn’t protest. He didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know how
to hold her, he concentrated on not burying his face in her hair as she
leaned against him.
The timer started to ring. Reaching out, he
grabbed it off the floor and turned it off. She was still relaxed in his
arms, it was only resignation, he knew, but he didn’t really care - as
long as she wasn’t trying to get away.
Balancing her carefully, he
leaned forward and reached up onto the counter to grab the plastic stick
from the place she’d left it. He held it in front of his face.
One
line.
What did one line mean?
“Just tell me,” she
whispered.
“One line,” he said slightly puzzled.
“One?” her
voice was high and it cracked.
***
Maria felt the waves of
relief washing over her.
“One?” she asked again, sitting up and
taking it from his hand. She peered at it narrowing her eyes, turning it
in her hand, looking at it from every possible angle.
“Thank God.
Oh, thank God,” she whispered.
“Negative…?” his voice was soft as
he asked the question.
She nodded, and glanced at him, avoiding his
eyes. Suddenly she was on her feet, walking out of the bathroom. He
scrambled to follow her
“I’m gonna’ go into advertising. I liked it
for a reason, and it sounds interesting. I think I’ll even go to school
over the summer – to start getting caught up.”
“What are you
talking about?” he sounded almost angry as he followed her down the
stairs.
“My life,” she whirled to face him. He looked upset. Didn’t
he know he was supposed to be happy now?
“Your life…?”
“Yes,
my life. The life that I have now. There is so much I want to do,”
she smiled at him. Maybe he needed reassurance. She could hardly believe
it herself. Nothing ever turned out well for her.
“So…that’s it?”
he lifted his eyebrows slightly, his tone was dry.
He was watching
her closely, and she was slightly unnerved.
She nodded slowly, the
smile falling from her lips. Was he mad that she’d told him? Angry that
she’d dragged him into it?
“Sorry. You know, for scaring you and
everything,” she said over her shoulder as she walked toward the
door.
He was right behind her. It was too much to hope that he’d
let her walk home alone.
“I wasn’t scared,” he sounded insulted as
he followed her out the door.
“Ok,” she said lightly, pretending
not to notice his hostility, as she stepped out of his building and onto
the sidewalk.
“What do you want now?” he asked, his tone low, still
almost angry. He seemed so large, so untouchable while he was walking next
to her.
“I don’t know,” she answered, feeling awkward with him.
Somehow that experience felt even more intimate than the sex, if that were
possible. What would he have done if she’d been pregnant? There was no way
that he would have been all right with it – he was just really good at
remaining calm, no matter what the situation.
They walked the rest
of the distance to her building in silence. At the foot of the steps she
turned to give him her usual glancing farewell, but he grabbed her. His
lips came crushing down on hers, his hands pulled her to him. She kissed
him back. Hard. Just as roughly as he was kissing her.
He pulled
away suddenly and looked down at her. Looked into her eyes as if he was
searching for something. She didn’t know what he wanted, so she just
stared at him. After a second, he kissed her again, and this time a moan
escaped his lips as they met hers. It was a small sound of need, and it
made her head spin. She couldn’t think, she couldn’t remember what she
should be doing…all she could do was melt into him, her hands tangling
into his hair.
This time when he pulled back she had trouble
catching her breath. His eyes were dark, and she was lost in them. He was
gorgeous in the moonlight, the planes of his face were smooth and strong.
Her fingers moved to touch his cheek of their own volition, and she was
about to tell him to take her back to his place…he wouldn’t refuse…he was
a guy, and she was a girl…
You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t
be doing this…
His hands found their way to her face, he tilted
her chin up, so that she had no choice but to continue to look him in the
eye. She felt dizzy, the things he did to her, the way he made her
feel…
“Why?” his voice was a hoarse whisper.
Why what? She
narrowed her eyes slightly, and he leaned closer to her, his lips nearly
touching hers, and asked again, “Why?”
Leaning up on her tip-toes,
she managed to capture his lips. She used her teeth, pulled down hard on
his neck, anything to keep him from pulling away again. He kissed her
back, slower and deeper than before. As he started to pull away again, she
held him, roughly, not wanting to let go. This time when he looked down
into her eyes, he seemed to find what he was searching for. His face
became cloudy, and she was about to ask him what was wrong…
“Why
Maria?”
She tried to pull him back into a kiss, but he held himself
back, staring intently into her eyes. Why did he always need to know
‘why’? She wasn’t going to tell him. It might have slipped out once, but
she wouldn’t – she couldn’t say it again. He might hear it this
time.
“Because…” she whispered as she kissed his jaw, his chin, his
neck…Hoping he’d let it go and take her home with him.
“
Why?”
Did he want her on her knees? Did he want her to beg? She
pulled on his neck, and he relented, leaning toward her. She whispered it
into his mouth as they kissed again.
This time when he pulled away,
he stepped back. She was slightly satisfied to see that he was having
trouble breathing too. His eyes found hers, he seemed
disappointed.
“You want something else,” he whispered, shaking his
head, then he turned and walked away.
What did he mean? Where was
he going?
What was she doing kissing him?
She was
confused, so confused. But, her life was hers again. And, that was the
important thing, wasn’t it? Everything with Michael was trouble, and she
was a fool for even considering…
It wasn’t going anywhere. No point
in dwelling on it. She had things to do.
Pulling herself up to her
full height, she walked up the steps of her building with confidence and
purpose, but couldn’t resist one last look at his retreating back as she
opened the door.