PART 19


“What is pain?” Maria asked abruptly while keeping herself busy with the pillows and avoiding her childhood friend’s gaze. The question didn’t sound as she meant it to sound but that was the best she could do in her confused state of mind.


“What?”


“I mean… You know… You're a scientist, right? I need you to explain to me why we feel pain.”


“Physical pain?”


“Yeah… And not so complicated please, the short version…”


“Well, pain is the way your body warns you against danger.”


“Warns you?”


“Yeah… It informs you that you're sick, so you can protect yourself from further damage.”


“Oh.”


“What’s this all about?” Even Liz, sitting all day in a bed doing nothing but watching TV, could see the change in Maria’s behavior. But she had no idea what might have caused it.


“Nothing, just curious.” She didn’t want to share it with Liz. It was special, private, sacred, but then it occurred to her that Liz could be the only person who could help and explain… Oh well… Desperate times…


“Actually Liz, I need to tell you something………”


For the next hour Maria watched Liz’s face changing from color to color as she told her the whole story avoiding the whole emotional aspect of it. She wasn’t going to make herself look pathetic and weak in her eyes as well.


“I… I don’t want to sound mean but… Michael isn't exactly a suitable guy to have a relationship with. I mean, it’s obvious you care about him but…”


How the hell had she gotten that out of her story? “What do you mean not suitable?”


“I mean… He’s dangerous… And I’ve never seen him being nice to anyone… He’s always so rude. And his powers are out of control. That connection… It’s not normal. I don’t think it’s healthy…”


“You never had a connection like that? With Max?”


“No. God no. Max would never let his powers get out of control like that.”


Maria was chanting in her head. “ She’s pregnant. She’s pregnant. You shouldn’t upset her.” But the girl was starting to get on her nerves.


“Look Maria, I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay? And Michael, he’s not just some harmless James Dean type of guy. I don’t exactly know him but he might hurt you…”


Maria couldn’t keep it in any longer. Michael would hurt her?? That was ridiculous, how could anyone think that?


“You know what Liz, you're right. You don’t know him. You have no idea who Michael Guerin is. So please don’t assume you do, okay?”


- - -


This was a nightmare. Michael felt trapped. He knew he was panicking but he had no way of stopping it. He desperately needed to go out and walk or maybe run, just get out of this circus to think for a moment and clear his head. But he couldn’t. There could be attacks. He had to be there. True, there had never been an attack in the daylight before, but he couldn’t risk it. He knew if there was a danger, that stubborn annoying blabbermouth would find it.


He wanted so badly to kill himself and end this shame and pain for the millionth time in his short life. He never was important or successful or normal, but this time was different. He had always f-ucked up his own life which was already a disaster from the start but never before he had risked someone else. Not Isabel or Max or their humans. He had never even hurt Hank. But now…


Now he was hurting the most dazzling creature he had ever contacted. She was nothing like anyone he’d ever met before. She had given him so much without even trying. She had somehow become the most important thing for him in a matter of months. It wasn’t like him to care, to be interested in a human. This had nothing to do with him. She had done it all by herself and she had no clue.


And look how he repaid her. He had given her his f-ucked up feelings. He was feeling anger and hate half the time, he was never peaceful. His feelings would eat her alive, he knew it. He was a disease and he would eventually kill everything he’d touched.


And there was the pain. God. He was always in battles with other aliens or FBI agents. A picture of himself on an operating table flashed in his mind. They could torture him. He could get injured or even die. And she would feel them all.


He knew he should have guessed. All his life, he had loved one thing and he was hurting it just because he wasn’t good enough.


He wasn’t good enough. Thinking of that had never hurt that much before.


He approached Max who was sitting in the balcony. He dreaded this conversation and would have never had it in the first place if it wasn’t for Maria. He had to do this for her. He had to ask for help from Max for the first time since he left Roswell in high school.


“Maxwell.”


Max opened his eyes to his brother’s voice and appeared surprised to see him actually volunteer for a conversation. It was a rare occasion.


“Michael.” He had tried, he did, but the surprise was still evident in his voice.


“I need your help.”


Now Max was fully awake. He had never heard Michael say those words since they were kids. Michael never needed help. Never needed anything. And he was proud of it.


“Of course. About what?”


Michael looked in his eyes and expected to see exasperation there. It was what he had always hated to see. Max’s eyes always said “What now?” while he talked to Michael. But not this time. Max was ready. That was what he had waited all those years. He was cautious. Michael was opening up to him after all that time, he wasn’t about to scare him away.


Michael sat on the floor and sighed. He hated this part. “I… somehow made a connection with… someone and I have to stop it.”


“What kind of a connection. Like flashes?”


“No. A permanent connection. We feel each other all the time.”


Max’s eyes grew in shock. “Are you sure? I’d never seen something like that……… How long?”


“Months.”


“What do you feel through this connection? Do you see things or just feelings?”


“Mostly feelings… and pain.”


“Pain?”


“Yeah, that’s why I gotta stop it.”


“Okay. Can I ask who it is?”


He hated telling him but he was going to find out sooner or later anyway. “Maria.”


Max sighed. Of course Maria, who else? “Do you know how you formed it?”


“I’m not sure. I can guess when, but I have no idea how. That’s why I have no idea how to stop it.”


It was now dawning on Max why he had suddenly rushed to find a phone that night. “I don’t have experience on this. But if it’s like other connections… I guess you have to connect with her and find the… I don’t know what to call it. You’ll know when you see it. There must be a part of you inside her head. You’ll find that and take it back I guess. And vice versa.”


“How? I’m not sure if I can get in someone else’s head. I mean, you know, I’ve never dreamwalked and I can't usually connect with people. And let's say I did, how will I find it or take it back? How will she do it?”


“It’s easier once you connect. It will seem natural. And if you can't connect, maybe I can help. Or Isabel. Someone can connect both of you and guide you maybe.”


Michael was hating this. People wandering in his head… But it was needed. He couldn’t risk her once more. Now Max… He knew what he was doing. That could just work.


- - -


“Max will take care of Liz. Alex and Kyle will be cleaning…”


Protests and grunts came from Alex and Kyle to Isabel’s work plan for the day. She just ignored them and continued.


“…I will be shopping for clothes for Liz since she can't go herself…”


This time Maria was the one to protest. “Why are you doing the fun part? That’s not fair…”


Isabel gave her an unbelieving look. “Oh come on. Who’s the damn model here?”


She paused a moment waiting for another complaint then kept going. “Yes, I thought so. And lastly Michael and Maria will be shopping for groceries.” She handed them the list and ignored the death glares coming her way.


“You’ve got to be kidding me!”


“Nope. Get going people! We don’t have all day.”


- - -


“No, take this one. There's a toy in it.”


It had been only ten minutes since they’d started shopping but they had managed to fight over every item they bought.


“Okay, let's buy the one with the toy but then I’ll get to choose the next. What's next?”


“Milk.” Maria smirked at him.


“That’s not fair!” Michael whined. Actually he didn’t really care about the shopping list. He just liked having her talking to him. And the only way they could talk was to fight. So he fought. Over anything, everything. It was fun.


He watched her as she skipped along the milk aisle, trying to choose one. He had no idea what she expected from milk. Milk was milk. What was there to choose?


She finally stopped and reached for the ones on the top shelf. She wasn’t short but shelves were too high for her. She stood on her tiptoes as he watched her with a smirk. Her t-shirt rose up, revealing her ivory skin and flat stomach. He could remember exactly what it felt like to touch that skin, to kiss it. Heat was suddenly unbearable in the place. He cleared his throat and wiped his sweaty palms to his jeans.


Maria felt him come closer and reach for the milks without touching her. But she could feel his heat burning her back and her imagination started running wild. He could take her, right there in the milk aisle and she wouldn’t hesitate or give a damn about who’d be watching.


“How many?”


She stepped aside to give him room and decided to head for ice creams next. She definitely needed something cold.


“Uh… Six.”


Michael put them in the cart and in mutual understanding they headed towards the freezers.


- - -


Michael had been playing the conversation in his head for the last hour. He was trying to find a way to tell her what was going to happen without letting her ask too many questions. But it didn’t seem possible. He knew she would ask things. Millions of things. Things he didn’t want to answer.


He blurted it out in the meat aisle while she was buying enough chicken to feed an army. “Max will break the connection.”


Her head snapped to look at him in horror. “What?”


“Max will break the connection.” He repeated for her.


“I heard you and the answer is no.” She said in irritation and turned her gaze back to the chicken.


She just had to do that, hadn't she? She was just so… so… irritatingly beautiful. Oh God, what was he going to do now? “I didn’t ask you. I'm telling you. Max will do it.”


She was looking at the chicken like it was the most interesting thing in the world. She was afraid that he would see the unshed tears in her eyes if she’d meet his gaze. “No. I don’t want Max in my head.” She said softly.


“Look, I don’t want him in my head either. But it’s either him or Isabel. And Max is the stronger one. So we don’t exactly have any choice.”


She wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to make a choice. That she wanted the connection. But it wasn’t the best idea. She didn’t have any right to protest if he didn’t want her in his head. But was she ready to give that up so easily?


“No. You do it or just let it stay.”


“You don’t understand.” He was closer to her now, whispering to avoid being overheard. “I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even know how I did it in the first place. It can be dangerous.”


Maria tore her gaze away from the chicken and looked him in the eye long and hard. What was he trying to do? Why was he always so full of contradictions? She had a direct line from his head to hers but still she couldn’t read him.


“Then let it stay.” She whispered.


“I can't.” he uttered with difficulty. Words fought him to not be voiced.


“Why? It’s not like it effects physically, it’s just the pain, right? And I'm not masochistic or anything…” Oh, that was great. Now she was begging him. Pathetic.


“If someone learns who I am… what I am… they would torture me. They did it to Max once and they won't hesitate to do it again. And even if I don’t get caught I might die any minute. And you will have to feel that. I can't let that happen. I won't.”


She fought the tears but they came anyway. The thought of him being tortured or dying was too much for her to handle. Her heart contracted and suddenly all air left her lungs. She wanted to yell at him. How could he think that she would want to live if something like that happened to him? She knew she would be glad to feel every last second of his presence even if it meant endless anguish for her.


Fury burned deep within her. How dare he?! He had no idea who she was, had he? Well, she could teach him who Maria DeLuca was. She looked in his eyes with all the determination she could gather. It was hard to look pissed and serious with tears coursing down your cheeks but she managed it anyway.


“I’m not letting him in my mind. If you want to break the connection so damn much, you’ll have to do it yourself.”


She stomped away from him, not able to look at him for a moment longer without bursting into tears, and left him stupefied with the chickens.


- - -


“Will you hurry up!?!”


Michael was struggling with the shopping bags while Maria walked towards her car without carrying a thing. He would have made her carry some, but after giving her all the trouble with everything, it only seemed fair. How could he know that those things weighed a ton?


But walking from her behind did have its privileges. She looked delicious in some simple jeans and t-shirt. He loved to watch her walk. She had this gracious way of walking… It wasn’t like Isabel’s, not that typical feminine walk but something different…


That was Maria alright! Something different.


They reached the car and Michael started putting the bags on the ground. God, they could feed half of Africa with those things! Maria opened the trunk and he started putting them in. It was a hard job considering the size of the car. He carefully put half of the bags in the trunk and turned towards the back seat. The rest had to go there.


That’s when he saw the little boy.


The little boy was wandering around, looking curiously inside every car. He was three or four years old. He looked like he was about to cry any minute.


Maria saw him too. He was cute. Curly blond hair and big blue eyes. He had a little upturned nose and freckles, not like Lei’s, his were lighter. The boy was wearing a white t-shirt with Bugs Bunny on it and navy blue shorts.


He came closer, looked inside their car and passed them still looking around. Maria watched him in awe. If she had had a little boy, he would have been this big by now. She didn’t want to think about it, she had forbade herself to think or talk about it lots of times in the past, but she couldn’t help but wonder. What would it be like? To be a mother? To have someone’s unconditional love and trust?


The boy stood in the middle and looked around, his face slowly crumpling. Then he started crying. He was wailing like a trapped animal. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his little hands went to his eyes, rubbing the tears away. His sobs echoed in the place and that got Maria moving.


She strode towards the boy and kneeled in front of him. Michael watched in interest from where he stood and tried not to see what he replayed in his mind for millions of times; Maria with a baby in her arms, looking at him and smiling.


“Hey little guy. What’s your name?”


She was playing with his hair softly to calm him down. For a minute she thought he would run away but then he raised his eyes to see the person in front of him. His eyes were big and innocent and he resembled a lost puppy.


“S-s-st-stan…” he croaked with great difficulty. He was hiccuping now which made it hard for him to form sentences.


She held out her hand to him. “I'm Maria, but you can call me Mars.” She smiled at him in an attempt to comfort him. “And this spiky haired guy over there is Michael. He’s my friend. You wanna go meet him?”


He smiled softly and watched her as she got up from the ground. He nodded his head and held out his arms to tell her he wanted to be carried. She smiled at him and gathered his small figure in her arms. They walked back to the car.


Michael smirked at the picture. Maria walking towards him with a little boy in her arms. You could almost think that she was the mother. They had the exact same hair color. But the eyes were giving it away. Neither of them had blue eyes.


He frowned at the thought. She never was going to have his baby anyway. She was going to have someone else’s baby. Another man was going to sleep in her bed, touch her, kiss her, make love to her… Good thing they approached him before his imagination went further and he started killing every blue eyed man in sight.


“Michael, meet Stan.” Maria beamed at him. The little boy held out his little hand and shook Michael’s finger.


“Hi.” He said shyly.


“Hi.” Michael couldn’t help but smile at the boy. He was sweet. Michael had never been good with kids. They scared him. They were too small, too delicate. And it wasn’t a secret that he wasn’t exactly a gentle guy.


“So, Michael, wanna give our little friend a chocolate? They were in a bag with cornflakes.”


Michael grunted in response and delved into the backseat, looking for chocolates. He found them easily enough, Maria had lost herself when she’d seen them and bought as much as she could before Michael had to pull her away from them.


Ten minutes later, Stan was sitting on the hood of Maria’s car and eating his third chocolate bar while telling them cheerfully about his girlfriend next door.


He pulled softly Maria’s curls with his chocolate smeared little hand. “Kelly has hair like yours! And she taught me how to braid them. Do you know? I can teach you. And mom always lets her…” His voice trailed off and he suddenly looked uncomfortable.


His eyes started to wander around and became teary. Just as Maria was about to ask what was wrong, he started crying again.


She threw a panicked glance at Michael. He just shrugged. She softly wiped his tears away with her palms and made soothing noises. He clung to her neck and let himself be carried around. His head was on her shoulder and he was sobbing uncontrollably.


“Stan, what is it baby? Why are you crying?”


“My mom…… I want my mommy……” He kept on sobbing and hiccuping loudly as Maria stroked his back.


“Okay. Don’t worry we’ll find your mommy. Don’t cry, I’ll find her. Sssh…”


But the little boy couldn’t stop crying in her arms. And she couldn’t do anything but walk around with him and try to soothe him with her words and touch.


Just as she thought she was going to pass out from exhaustion he suddenly stopped crying. He started wiggling in her arms and looked at her with a huge grin in his face.


“Mars, mommy’s here.”


She checked the way he was pointing and saw a young woman running towards them. She put Stan on his feet and watched him run to his mother. They embraced and the woman kissed the top of his head while looking at her with thankful eyes. She smiled to her and slightly nodded her head.


Then, as Michael watched her in surprise, she turned around, hit her forehead with her palm and shouted. “Holy S-hit!”


She ran towards the car, threw him the keys and got in quickly.


“I can't believe we’re so stupid! God, hurry Spaceboy! We gotta get back!”


Wait; Spaceboy? What was she talking about?

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